Sunday, April 20, 2008

Some Things That Annoy Me

Some things that annoy me include the following:

1. Oncoming traffic that encroaches in my lane when we drive around a curve in the road. If you have to encroach into the opposite lane when rounding a curve, you are driving too fast! Slow down before you kill me! Your entire car should be centered in your own lane. You shouldn't be straddling the dividing line, neither should your wheels be in my lane or even touching the dividing line!

2. Drivers that switch into my lane without looking first to see if they can do so safely. Please, first signal that you are about to switch into the next lane, then look to see that there are no cars already in the spot where you want to turn into. And don't yell at me or shake your fist at me because you suddenly noticed me there and got scared. I honk to make you aware that I am right next to you, so that you won't side swipe me, not merely to scare you to death for shits and giggles.

3. Elderly drivers who drive much slower than the posted speed limit. How do you magically find me on those days when I am running late and in a hurry to get to work, and manage to turn onto my road just ahead of me, so you can drive 30 m.p.h. in a 45 m.p.h. zone?

4. Those drivers in the left left-turn-only lane, whom I pass after the light turns green while I am in the right left-turn-only lane, and whom I beat to the point where the two lanes merge into one, and who become irritated with me for doing so, and speed up until they are side by side with me in the same lane. I was here first, so get behind me before you kill yourself and the oncoming car ahead of you! There is no rule of the road that states that the driver in the left left-turn-only lane has the right of way over the driver in the right left-turn-only lane. If you're too slow getting out of the gate, then you'll have to settle for being second. Live with it!

5. Drivers who drive 30 m.p.h. in a 40 m.p.h zone and who refuse to drive any faster, whom I pass even though the lane line is solid, who then get angry, speed up until they catch up to me and are tailgating me, and turn on their high beams and honk incessantly out of rage. If you drove faster to begin with, I wouldn't have needed to pass you. Couldn't you have driven this fast earlier?

6. Cops who give me dirty looks for having a radar detector attached to the inside of my windshield. A radar detector is nothing more than a fancy radio receiver, and radio waves are still free. It is legal to possess and use a radar detector in 48 states, including NY and MA, so save your dirty looks for the murderers, robbers, rapists, and those meticulously unreliable Dunkin Donuts employees who don't know how to make a cup of coffee to go with your steady policeman's diet of donuts and crullers. What exactly pisses you off about radar detectors? Those speeders who have them slow down when you're scanning nearby, thereby becoming safer drivers. What's more important to you, preventing people from speeding, or catching them in the act so that you could fill your ticket and citation quota for the month?

7. School buses. When you know that driving at the posted speed limit will get you to work just in the nick of time, and you end up behind a school bus between 8 AM and 9 AM, you might as well just call your boss and let him know you're definitely coming in late.

8. Women drivers with cell phones growing out of their ear. Symptoms include distraction, loss of focus, poor driving judgment and car accidents. There is treatment for this problem. It's a little two-part remedy called "Save-the-Gossip-For-Later," which comes in capsule form, and which should be taken with a dose of "Shut the fuck up and drive."

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